Feeling like you are caught in the trap too?
Helping a friend in an abusive relationship is emotionally taxing, so remember to take care of yourself as well.
Communicate to her that while there are no straightforward solutions, the potential for change exists. The initial step involves prioritizing her safety.and providing support.
Present a variety of choices to your friend and gently aid her in evaluating each one. Your role is one of support, not rescue.
Let her know that if you get frustrated you will sort yourself out and reach out to her again.
Feeling resentment and judgment means she will close up, hide or run away. This is the time that she needs you as a friend so try your best to ground yourself.
Be sure to follow up again. Knowing that she may not be able to answer the phone. She may not be able to respond to your text.
She needs to feel safe because you can represent a threat. It sounds crazy because your intention is to help and support and ultimately aid her and the kids to a safe space.
However, she is living under constant threat from someone who wants to maintain the status quo of control and abuse.
Nüshu was created by and for women to commune in privacy. As a secret text, Nüshu was written in calligraphy as poems or songs on paper-folded fans and handkerchiefs. It was originally believed to be a code of defiance against the highly patriarchal society of the time.
Nüshu literally means “women’s writing” in Chinese.
You may want to consider having a safe word or a code between the two of you to communicate, as she may have her abuser listening, monitoring her communication or reading her texts. She may be in a bad situation and reaching out to you in times of danger and great distress. But, unable to say anything. She lives under fear daily.
Being a friend means doing your best in difficult times and fun times. But, not taking pieces of yourself and winding up feeling frustrated and annoyed with her.
Enable her to determine the most suitable option for herself. In cases of strong disagreement, recognize that her life is hers, not yours.
Assure her that you will remain steadfast in your support, irrespective of her chosen path.
Find your own calming sustainable foundation and keep showing up. Even if it looks like all your work is in vain. It’s not it never is.
Reach out to professionals or support groups for guidance on how to best assist your friend in this difficult journey. Sometimes that can feel frustrating too so work on how you feel. How you can help.
Remind your friend what she is doing right. Even the very small things.
For example she cleaned her house today, she made her children lunch. Remind her that you can see her beautiful heart. It’s easy for us all to think we would do things differently but we don’t know that for certain. The trauma bond is strong and it is difficult to leave relationships for many reasons. It’s not linear and is more complex than we realize.
Stick with what you know. Remind her of the reasons she is your friend. Be her constant but take the time you need to ensure you are at your most supportive and keep going.
Sometimes things, situations shift when we least expect it.
Be an expert in being her friend.