Breaking Free
This may feel like the hardest thing you’ll do. Your brain may have you in a trauma bond. Or,it may feel safer to stay because you grew up and were groomed into thinking an abusive narcissist relationship is normal and ironically may feel safe. None of this is true.
Some are in denial about how dangerous their abuser may be, believing that if they could be better partners, the abuse would stop. When children are involved it may seem a better alternative for them, is to keep the parents together. But the cycle continues and the children are at risk of not being safe.
Fear of the unknown is a strong deterrent. Staying put is not safe but it is what you know.
The abuser may promise to change and pretend to want to work on the relationship but they won’t. It’s a ploy to keep you in a position where they can continue to do what suits them even when it causes harm to the family.
The narcissist is psychologically incapable of change. They don’t believe anything is wrong with them or the situation. Their supply is being met and they can control everything and everyone.
Their behaviours will become more poisonous and damaging to your overall wellness, physical safety or reputation. Sometimes all three.
Narcissists are experts at alienating their partners from the ones they love and will continue to break down your support systems.
It can be hard to bite your tongue when a narcissist is spewing insults and triangulating you
However, it is best to avoid engaging with them on their level.Narcissists don’t argue to prove a point. They argue to feel a rush of satisfaction of putting you down and belittling you. They are not interested in change which is why you need to get away from them.
One statement in the heat of the moment may provide the narcissist all they need to launch into an aggressive verbal assault.Take those opportunities away from them and you remove their power.
The chaos keeps your brain distracted while you are broken more and more down.
Consider you are the frog slowly being boiled in the pot. Groomed to be complacent at the expense of your own health. It sneaks up until feeling anxiety constantly is normal. Making excuses for their behaviour while your brain is reprogrammed and more of you is lost and destroyed.
People think they’re stupid for getting trapped, or have been conditioned to think their friends won’t believe them. It takes a mind shift to realise it doesn’t mean you were stupid, it just means you were tricked and anybody can get tricked.
You’ll be surprised at how many people, in your support circle, might have suspected and how much they may have wanted to help you but they didn’t know how to.
Survivors of covert and narcissistic abuse must remind themselves that no matter how many times they get back on the ride with the narcissist, the highs, lows and twists and turns will always be the exact same and the rollercoaster is not a healthy environment for them to flourish and thrive. It is destructive with no reprieve. You can never feel better while you are trapped with the npd partner.
People can end up dating similar people over and over because of something called repetition compulsion
Essentially, it means trying to fix the trauma of your past with the present. If you suffered abuse, you may seek out abusive people to try and change them. Or you may end up with people who treat you badly.
Empaths do this a lot, because they’re fixers and want to get in there and heal things. And think if they fix the person, somehow that’s going to heal their original relationship. It never works.
It’s important you are aware, if they’ve had alcoholic parents and they keep attracting alcoholic boyfriends, there may be a connection there, and that it’s important to look into whatever wounds you had growing up with an alcoholic parent so you don’t keep creating that in your life.
If you can stoke the ‘mama or papa bear’ as your first step you can justify the next steps to leave and protect your children. They are watching. If you were raised with a narcissist’s parent then ended up with a narcissist partner, at the very least you will not want your children to continue down this destructive path.
Emotional violence brings great harm
Narcissists depend on their supply of the people they emotionally, financially, and psychologically drain. They need someone to abuse and manipulate to fulfil their needs and to constantly prove to themselves they are better, stronger, and smarter than everyone else.
There is never a perfect time to leave. Try each day to do one thing to leave. Your life, whether emotional or physical, depends on it. Yes, it is hard and the future is uncertain. There will be nothing left of you if you stay.
While the decision may be fraught with fear and uncertainty, it is ultimately a step towards healing, growth, and a brighter future. Remember, you are worthy of love, respect, and happiness, and you deserve nothing less.
Keep going. Keep building your foundation of calm using the tools from your calming box. Use them now and know you can use them later as you go through the hurdles of getting away from your covert narcissistic abuser.
