There can be a social contagion to avoid socializing to ensure feeling ‘safe’. Or to use cannabis or alcohol to feel numb. Even video games or social media to feel ‘engaged’ but still ‘safe’. Create your own fun and expand your life for peace.
Consider if avoidance feels like it is organizing your life. It can feel like an easy solution. When something triggers discomfort, anxiety, or uncertainty, stepping back can falsely feel wise, even protective.
Any mental, physical or behavioural space we retreat into to reduce distress. It could be procrastinating on a difficult conversation, scrolling endlessly instead of tackling a task, or convincing ourselves now isn’t the right time. These strategies can provide a brief reprieve. They lower immediate anxiety, which is why they feel significant and ‘right’. Our brain learns: this helps me feel better right now. The cycle strengthens. You want to consider retraining your brain at every opportunity
The issue isn’t the desire for calm; that’s deeply human. The issue is how we achieve it. Avoidance-based calming trades short-term relief for long-term strain, bring anxiety and addictions to pornography, isolation, social media, food, shopping.
One cost includes the narrowing of life. The more we avoid, the smaller our world becomes. Opportunities are declined, risks aren’t taken, and growth stalls. What begins as ‘I’ll deal with that later’ evolves into ‘I don’t do that kind of thing. Labeling yourself as an introvert or someone with social anxiety or ahad. Using identity labels enforces avoidance.
Your life will shrink as you age, so be sure to keep expanding it. Learning, growing, participating, volunteering, supporting your community, helping neighbours, chatting, working.
Another cost is amplified anxiety. Avoidance doesn’t resolve your fear. It preserves it. By not engaging, we never gather new evidence the feared situation is manageable. The unknown stays unknown, and often grows into a perceived threat.
Ironically, the strategy used to reduce anxiety makes it more persistent and intense. Keep getting out to walk, pick up garbage, sing, bird watch, to build your confidence and engagement with others and your neighbourhood.
There’s also a confidence tax. Every avoided situation subtly communicates, ‘I can’t handle this.’ Even if that belief isn’t consciously endorsed, it accumulates. Self-trust erodes not through failure, but through non-engagement. Confidence isn’t built by feeling ready, it’s built by acting despite not feeling ready. Put your toque on and head out the door for a stroll. Put your phone down. We promise, you are not missing anything of value, by not looking at social media or ai.
Relationships can carry a cost too. Avoiding difficult conversations, vulnerability, or conflict might keep things smooth on the surface, but prevents depth and authenticity. What isn’t addressed resurfaces in indirect ways, distance, resentment, lack of sleep or misunderstandings.
None of this means avoidance is inherently bad. It becomes problematic when it’s the default rather than a choice. There are moments when stepping back is appropriate, even necessary. The goal isn’t to eliminate avoidance, but to bring awareness to it. And, to keep going. Take the stairs to keep your focus and build your resilience. Park far from the front door especially if it is a safe area to do so. Leave close parking spots for elders and those with sore hips. If your knees are good, then park far away and walk. If you keep acting like an elder at a young age, you will do yourself and your family a disservice.
A helpful shift is moving from avoidance to approach with support.
Breaking a task into smaller steps, setting a time limit, or allowing discomfort to be present without needing to escape it immediately. Talk to your brain and reassure it. Use your beautiful body to walk. Use your community to help someone without payment.
Cancel the gym membership if you never go. Work out at home or with friends. Smile as you carry your grocery bags.
Calming doesn’t have to come from retreat. It can come from engagement, from proving to yourself gradually and daily you are competent to face what feels difficult. Feelings are important but they can also be shifted. If you don’t feel like doing it, do it anyway. A feeling is a feeling. It’s not a cage or an identity. Words are words. Use your words and your actions for good. Provide your own safety and the safety of others to expand your world easily.
You can do it. Put your shoes on now! Get out the door and explore. Even if it is in your own backyard!
Pick up garbage. Walk up stairs. Spot a bird. Acknowledge a pretty yard. Keep learning on your own terms to find contentment at any age.